Fear

The day is finally here.  It’s a day we’ve been anxiously and excitedly awaiting for years: the day that I embark on practicing medicine overseas in hopes of having God use my hands for His glory, for His kingdom.  But now that it’s so close, I mostly just feel fear.  I don’t know many of the common diseases here.  Even if I did know the diseases, I don’t know the treatment options in this particular hospital.  I know very little about the culture.  I can just barely speak the language and definitely don’t yet know the “slang” that the vast majority of people use.  I am supposed to teach others even though I still have so much to learn myself.  My baby just entered his stage of separation anxiety, still nurses a lot, and doesn’t sleep well.  And ironically, my first day in the hospital is “National Children’s Day” in this country.  My husband will be caring for our baby and, although he’ll do a great job, we both kind of wish our roles were reversed.

Yet, when I look back, it is clear that God has brought me here, me and my family.  He carried me from one great school to another and then to a fantastic residency training program.  I know I was put in those places by Him because the people surrounding me were so much better, stronger, smarter, more patient, more energetic than me.  Yet I was there.  He kept alive in me an excitement for medicine overseas despite the exhaustion of the training.  He has been faithful to carry me through challenging situations, allowing me to be exposed but not broken.  He has given me a husband who also desires to be overseas and a son who is healthy and adaptable. 

Despite knowing all of this in my head, a level of fear remains in my gut.  I have been praying and talking to God about this daily for quite some time now, and He has responded.  My fear has lessened, although I wouldn’t say it has completely disappeared.  But at least the Lord has given me words of truth to help chase away the lies of our enemy. 

The sign in front of our hospital, a good reminder for both doctors and patients.

In particular, He has persistently reminded me of the well-known lines of Jesus: “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” –Matthew 11.28-30  I have been trusting in the Lord to provide restful sleep during the times that I am allowed sleep.  He has brought me here: surely He will allow me enough quality sleep to do a good job for Him.  And this is not my work anyway.  If God brought me here, it is His work and His yoke.  So there is no reason for me to feel burdened by the work.  If I can hear Him and obey, His work will be done and I can trust Him to carry the burden of that yoke.

Since this is all His work, I do not need to be worried about my abilities.  Although I hope to enjoy them and excel in them, the medicine and teaching are not my central reasons for being here.  This is about our Lord’s kingdom and playing a role in His intense desire for all the nations to know Him and love Him.  If I believe that deep down and know it in my heart, then I don’t have to worry about my pride being injured when I don’t know an answer or do something incorrectly in the hospital.  I can instead be a humble learner.

In fact, I do often fall to the temptation of comparing myself to others in unhealthy ways, thinking, “If only I could…” or “If only God had given me more of an ability to…”  But He made me exactly the way I am for a reason.  I have been learning about David through a Beth Moore book alongside some dear friends now scattered around the world.  Saul was insecure about himself and jealous of others, especially David.  That jealousy led to very unhealthy actions like trying to kill David on multiple occasions!  I don’t want that kind of jealousy.  God is jealous for us because He loves us and wants us near to Him.  I want to be jealous of others for God.

And when the challenges come, because it is a guarantee that they will, I hope to be like David and measure the challenges against God.  Measured against myself and my own abilities and skills, those challenges will seem large and even insurmountable. But if I can be like David and look at Goliath and know that God is bigger than something as formidable as Goliath, then I can put my trust in God’s skills and faithfulness.

Lord help me be jealous for others to know you.  Help me be a humble learner and trust in Your provision.  May I be used by You to further Your kingdom.  May You protect the patients and my family in the process while still growing us all into deeper relationships with You.  Help me measure challenges against your greatness rather than my weaknesses.  May I allow You to work through my weaknesses so that You may be revealed to others.  May it all be for Your glory.