In so many ways, our time in the USA this summer was fantastic. It was, however, persistently tainted by the hurts of one of our
sending churches, which has had a tremendous impact on our lives.
Unfortunately there are conflicts in missions just as in every other
aspect of life. Sometimes these conflicts come from the culture that is
not our own, sometimes from family, sometimes from colleagues, and
sometimes from within the church. Besides cultural conflicts, these
things are often not talked about, but I would like to combat this
problem in the missions world in a small way through this blog.
People at home often (not always) think that missionaries are close to perfect and don’t struggle very much, so when they hear about struggles, they tend to think that something must be going terribly wrong. In fact, all missionaries struggle but the culture has been not to talk about it because of fear that those at home will doubt their work, doubt that God can use them, be judgmental or withdraw their emotional/prayer/financial support. Instead, I believe that missionaries should be able to share openly, not only to break these myths but, more importantly, to receive the prayer that they so desperately need.
I can testify that prayer has made a huge difference for us. Before we had a regular group of people praying for us at our main church, the depths of despair I felt were suffocating. Once regular group prayer started on our behalf (through the efforts of a dear friend who visited during the deepest of those despairs), the difference in my hope was tangible. And God performed miracles! But if those at home hadn’t known about the despair, the prayers would not have happened. Transparency is important. It’s nice if transparency is met with grace, love, compassion, prayer, gentleness; unfortunately, that does not always happen. But I still feel strongly that transparency is important, and I plan to continue being as transparent as possible.
So yes, we were extremely hurt and felt betrayed by those that we thought were our greatest supporters. I know people don’t like to hear that churches mess up, but they do. That’s because the church is made of humans, and humans have issues, including us. Through the hurts, however, God has done even more tremendous work, and that is what I want to share about. This is long but heartfelt. I sincerely hope it does not take anyone further from Christ but, rather, points us all back to Him and His eternal greatness, goodness, sovereignty and love.
But God spoke to me and reminded me that Christ endured an unfair trial in silence, unable to give His testimony because it would not be heard and unable to have witnesses defend Him. He did that for me. I am not going through anything He has not experienced. And in the end times on that final judgement day, I am going to have another unfair trial, except that one will be in my favor because Christ will stand in my place to protect me from extremely fair judgment for the wrongs I have committed throughout life. So then, surely I can endure this unfair trial on earth in anticipation of the only true trial that counts in which Jesus will give me undeserved righteousness due to my faith, allowing me to have eternal life.
It is the judgment of God that matters, not the judgment of people. Admonishment and guidance from others who are Godly and wise is good and Biblical. But judgment is God's role. I know this is true, and I believe it, but it is so painful to be judged harshly by others, especially when based on incomplete or inaccurate information. And it is hard not to judge in return. If only I could be as confident as Paul to allow me the freedom he demonstrates here.
I am accountable to God for my own actions, not for others’ actions. God is the ultimate in justice. He has given me a piece of His desire for justice, which is part of why I live on the other side of the world for Him! Surely justice is a good thing, but there are times for silence. How badly I have wanted to write a long email detailing all the wrongs against us and how hard we tried to overcome each wrong with respect and unity. I have wanted to write that in part to teach this church’s missions team so they may provide better care to their other missionaries but also in part to justify myself out of anger and frustration. But I was very convicted by this passage.
God calls us to forgive even when no apology or appropriate acknowledgment is given. I first learned this during marriage counseling 10 years ago! But like many things in life, believing it is easy while doing it is hard. I hope for some form of relational reconciliation with these church leaders, but that requires their participation. Forgiveness involves only me and God. I am not good at this, but I am trying.
My truest identity is in Christ. It was very hard for me to ask my colleagues at the hospital in Nepal to allow me to work less. I’ve always been known as the hard worker, the reliable one, the dedicated one. Asking to work less meant this could not be my reputation, and I didn’t like that. But God was telling me to be okay with who I am in Him rather than in what my colleagues think of me. (I am so incredibly grateful for their impressive support, love and grace during this time!)
Now I feel like my reputation among leaders in the church is being tarnished based on non-truths and partial truths. I don’t like that! But again, God is telling me to rest in Him as His child. He knows the truth. And even if the truth was against me, He would still hold me as His child, not because of the things I do but purely because I am His child and He loves me. That is how I am defined.
God can use all things for His glory. Whether bad things from Satan, life, friends, family or the church, this is true.
We talked more closely with God about whether this was the right time to return to Nepal. Sometimes He leaves such choices open, but we felt God give us permission to return to Nepal now through the story of Lot, which God led us to during a very intentional time of prayer with Him. He told Lot and his wife to flee to the mountains and leave behind the corruption of Sodom. Nepal definitely has mountains, and we are leaving behind the unjustness of the summer, even if unintentional unjustness. Lot and his wife were warned not to look back at their prior lives with sadness. I felt God was reassuring us that we did not need to see our first period of time in Nepal as sad or disappointing but as great learning and demonstrative of His faithfulness. Lot and his wife were also warned not to look back at their prior lives with longing. This was a reminder to me that life in America, which was so tempting while visiting this summer, is not the ultimate life that God has called us to. We may not have had this word from the Lord if the church’s negative influence had not urged us to really evaluate ourselves even more deeply and listen to God more intently.
We have also learned a great deal about what to look for in a future long-term sending organization and church.
And the time this summer in so, so many ways was full of rest and joy, so despite this cloud, God was still able to redeem the time of rest that He knew we needed.
We all get hurt. Yes, it’s often harder when hurt by other believers. But I give an even bigger YES that God is greater than all of that. He does not ask us to ignore or bury our pain; rather, He asks us to release it to Him and allow Him to carry it for us, trusting that He understands more fully than any human and that He will take care of justice. He always has our best interests in mind. And yes, I still plan to be part of the church, the body of Christ, and I encourage everyone else to be a part of His body. This is God’s will as spoken in His word, and I intend to follow it the best I can.
Although I know all these things, I have definitely not conquered them. This is going to be a long process, and I suspect that, much like grief, the hurt will come in waves over the next several months. So would you join me in prayer as I work to forgive and release bitterness? Regardless of how the church or anyone else acts towards me, God calls me to forgive. I do not want to hold bitterness the rest of my life, nor do I want Satan to have a way into my life that I can prevent. But this is a task too large for me. Fortunately, nothing is impossible for God, especially when asking for something within His will and with the help of others.
People at home often (not always) think that missionaries are close to perfect and don’t struggle very much, so when they hear about struggles, they tend to think that something must be going terribly wrong. In fact, all missionaries struggle but the culture has been not to talk about it because of fear that those at home will doubt their work, doubt that God can use them, be judgmental or withdraw their emotional/prayer/financial support. Instead, I believe that missionaries should be able to share openly, not only to break these myths but, more importantly, to receive the prayer that they so desperately need.
I can testify that prayer has made a huge difference for us. Before we had a regular group of people praying for us at our main church, the depths of despair I felt were suffocating. Once regular group prayer started on our behalf (through the efforts of a dear friend who visited during the deepest of those despairs), the difference in my hope was tangible. And God performed miracles! But if those at home hadn’t known about the despair, the prayers would not have happened. Transparency is important. It’s nice if transparency is met with grace, love, compassion, prayer, gentleness; unfortunately, that does not always happen. But I still feel strongly that transparency is important, and I plan to continue being as transparent as possible.
So yes, we were extremely hurt and felt betrayed by those that we thought were our greatest supporters. I know people don’t like to hear that churches mess up, but they do. That’s because the church is made of humans, and humans have issues, including us. Through the hurts, however, God has done even more tremendous work, and that is what I want to share about. This is long but heartfelt. I sincerely hope it does not take anyone further from Christ but, rather, points us all back to Him and His eternal greatness, goodness, sovereignty and love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unfair trial is good for me.
We have been put on trial except without our testimony and without the
ability to call our own witnesses. Being extremely justice oriented, I
want to cry out like a child, “That’s not fair!” Actually, I have cried
that out.
But God spoke to me and reminded me that Christ endured an unfair trial in silence, unable to give His testimony because it would not be heard and unable to have witnesses defend Him. He did that for me. I am not going through anything He has not experienced. And in the end times on that final judgement day, I am going to have another unfair trial, except that one will be in my favor because Christ will stand in my place to protect me from extremely fair judgment for the wrongs I have committed throughout life. So then, surely I can endure this unfair trial on earth in anticipation of the only true trial that counts in which Jesus will give me undeserved righteousness due to my faith, allowing me to have eternal life.
“Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes Him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.
John 5.24
Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin…This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith.
Romans 3.20,22-25a (my underlining)
It is the judgment of God that matters, not the judgment of people. Admonishment and guidance from others who are Godly and wise is good and Biblical. But judgment is God's role. I know this is true, and I believe it, but it is so painful to be judged harshly by others, especially when based on incomplete or inaccurate information. And it is hard not to judge in return. If only I could be as confident as Paul to allow me the freedom he demonstrates here.
Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
1 Corinthians 4.1-7
I am accountable to God for my own actions, not for others’ actions. God is the ultimate in justice. He has given me a piece of His desire for justice, which is part of why I live on the other side of the world for Him! Surely justice is a good thing, but there are times for silence. How badly I have wanted to write a long email detailing all the wrongs against us and how hard we tried to overcome each wrong with respect and unity. I have wanted to write that in part to teach this church’s missions team so they may provide better care to their other missionaries but also in part to justify myself out of anger and frustration. But I was very convicted by this passage.
…when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus, you were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold…Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Ephesians 4.22-5.2 (my underlining)
God calls us to forgive even when no apology or appropriate acknowledgment is given. I first learned this during marriage counseling 10 years ago! But like many things in life, believing it is easy while doing it is hard. I hope for some form of relational reconciliation with these church leaders, but that requires their participation. Forgiveness involves only me and God. I am not good at this, but I am trying.
Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.”
Matthew 18.21-22
My truest identity is in Christ. It was very hard for me to ask my colleagues at the hospital in Nepal to allow me to work less. I’ve always been known as the hard worker, the reliable one, the dedicated one. Asking to work less meant this could not be my reputation, and I didn’t like that. But God was telling me to be okay with who I am in Him rather than in what my colleagues think of me. (I am so incredibly grateful for their impressive support, love and grace during this time!)
Now I feel like my reputation among leaders in the church is being tarnished based on non-truths and partial truths. I don’t like that! But again, God is telling me to rest in Him as His child. He knows the truth. And even if the truth was against me, He would still hold me as His child, not because of the things I do but purely because I am His child and He loves me. That is how I am defined.
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
1 John 3.1
God can use all things for His glory. Whether bad things from Satan, life, friends, family or the church, this is true.
We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.Through this experience, we are grateful for the above reminders. Being judged so much pushed us to be very introspective and to have more times of listening to God to see what He has for us to learn about ourselves and Him.
Romans 8.28
We talked more closely with God about whether this was the right time to return to Nepal. Sometimes He leaves such choices open, but we felt God give us permission to return to Nepal now through the story of Lot, which God led us to during a very intentional time of prayer with Him. He told Lot and his wife to flee to the mountains and leave behind the corruption of Sodom. Nepal definitely has mountains, and we are leaving behind the unjustness of the summer, even if unintentional unjustness. Lot and his wife were warned not to look back at their prior lives with sadness. I felt God was reassuring us that we did not need to see our first period of time in Nepal as sad or disappointing but as great learning and demonstrative of His faithfulness. Lot and his wife were also warned not to look back at their prior lives with longing. This was a reminder to me that life in America, which was so tempting while visiting this summer, is not the ultimate life that God has called us to. We may not have had this word from the Lord if the church’s negative influence had not urged us to really evaluate ourselves even more deeply and listen to God more intently.
We have also learned a great deal about what to look for in a future long-term sending organization and church.
And the time this summer in so, so many ways was full of rest and joy, so despite this cloud, God was still able to redeem the time of rest that He knew we needed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get hurt. Yes, it’s often harder when hurt by other believers. But I give an even bigger YES that God is greater than all of that. He does not ask us to ignore or bury our pain; rather, He asks us to release it to Him and allow Him to carry it for us, trusting that He understands more fully than any human and that He will take care of justice. He always has our best interests in mind. And yes, I still plan to be part of the church, the body of Christ, and I encourage everyone else to be a part of His body. This is God’s will as spoken in His word, and I intend to follow it the best I can.
Although I know all these things, I have definitely not conquered them. This is going to be a long process, and I suspect that, much like grief, the hurt will come in waves over the next several months. So would you join me in prayer as I work to forgive and release bitterness? Regardless of how the church or anyone else acts towards me, God calls me to forgive. I do not want to hold bitterness the rest of my life, nor do I want Satan to have a way into my life that I can prevent. But this is a task too large for me. Fortunately, nothing is impossible for God, especially when asking for something within His will and with the help of others.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 7.7,8
"Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."
Matthew 18.18
"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."
Mark 9.23
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 19.26
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