I love sleep. I mean, I really love sleep. I haven’t always been this way. In college, I prided myself on getting by with just a few hours each night and a 20-minute power nap during the day. I loved being busy with all my projects. And then residency came, a time when my time was not my own. My post-call sleeps (sleeping after 30 hours of stressful work) were so appreciated and needed.
And then Jack came. Glorious Jack, who I love so dearly but who does not seem to love sleep himself.
It has been a long journey of figuring out how to allow us both to sleep while still feeling like I’m meeting his needs. I’ve gone a year-and-a-half of sleeping no more than three hours in a row only a handful of times. We’ve spent the last 11 months praying over this issue. I’ve read six books on sleep. I’ve talked to friends with young children. I’ve talked to friends with grown children. I’ve wondered if this is all a spiritual issue. I’ve wondered if this is all my fault. I’ve begged the Lord and cried out to Him in desperation for a bit of sleep.
And He answered. Not in my ideal timing, but He has answered, and for that I am grateful.
I’ve learned a lot through this process. If you haven’t read the viral post about infant sleep, you should definitely read it here. Essentially it summarizes in a satirical way that every single expert and every single parent will say something different—and completely contradictory—regarding how we should have our children sleep. My conclusion, then, is that we likely have no clue!!
Each parent and each child and each family unit is different. So we’ve had to wage through trials of different methods to find what suits us as a family and to teach Jack that sleep is good and necessary and that he is capable of doing it!
Ultimately we let Jack cry while still reassuring him. I never wanted to do it this way, but we tried everything else, and to be completely frank, I was at the end of my rope, without patience at night time or at day time. But I had fears. I was afraid of giving up my time with him at night since I feel I’m gone so much during the day. I was afraid of the damage that might be caused by his elevated cortisol levels while crying, a common warning among the no-cry groups today. But then I read more: those elevated cortisol levels have not actually been proven to cause damage. A sleep deprived mother, however, is proven to develop signs of depression. And a depressed mother is proven to negatively impact her child’s growth. Also, unconsolidated sleep may cause learning and concentration issues in children—it certainly does in adults, and I have definitely personally experienced that struggle for higher-level cognitive functioning while sleep deprived at work.
So that was it. A few weeks ago we started Ferber, and a few days into it, Jack was sleeping much better. And so were we.
We're still far from our goals. Jack pretty much refuses all naps unless physically on a person, which is no longer a viable option. He still wakes at night. Most of the time he goes back to sleep quickly at night, but sometimes he's awake for hours. In general, though, things have improved.
The Lord has taught me several things through this experience. Actually, He’s still teaching me because I don’t think all the lessons have sunk in deeply enough yet.
I often felt like God didn’t care about what was happening, as if He had either abandoned me or heard my prayers but simply didn’t feel like answering them. My natural conclusion is that I must be doing something wrong, not pleasing Him quite right, in order for Him to ignore my pleas. These are obviously lies from the enemy, but I felt them--feel them--so deeply.
The problem is that I like to know the answer to, “Why?” Well, it’s not always my place to ask that question, and I don’t always get to know that answer. But it’s hard for me to trust when I don’t know that answer. So I’m learning to believe and trust that the Lord does not abandon, He does not punish harshly, He does not go through periods of not caring. Just because I am feeling blind doesn’t mean that He doesn’t see and intend to fulfill a good and loving plan.
I’m also learning the pain of teaching my child what is right even when he doesn’t understand why and feels pained by it. Seems oddly familiar to my pain when God tells me no to my request for sleep even though I don’t understand why I can’t have just a couple more hours of uninterrupted sleep. Discipline is necessary, for both Jack and for me.
I’ve also grown into aching more for the Lord. Waking multiple times a night, being busy all day, rushing home to feed Jack and put him to sleep, then falling asleep at the same time as him left me absolutely no time for me, for God, for Tim. I need rest. Not just sleep, but a good deep rest with the Lord. To have that time of rest with the Lord, I needed Jack to sleep so I could have even just one hour in the evening to read, to talk to Tim, to catch up on life things, to relax. And if our time in Nepal is to be fruitful, this time of rest with God is absolutely essential, so I’m also trying to regularly take a Sabbath. Sure, it’s a different day every week because that’s the life of a doctor, but I don’t think God cares what day of the week it is but, rather, that we attempt to give Him time and space. My yearning for this time with God has intensified during this spell of having no space for Him.
We still need prayer for our sleep and sanity as we continue to figure out how to have Jack take naps and consistently sleep well at night. But for the many of you who have already prayed: thank you. The Lord has heard. May He continue to hear so we have more moments like this!
And then Jack came. Glorious Jack, who I love so dearly but who does not seem to love sleep himself.
It has been a long journey of figuring out how to allow us both to sleep while still feeling like I’m meeting his needs. I’ve gone a year-and-a-half of sleeping no more than three hours in a row only a handful of times. We’ve spent the last 11 months praying over this issue. I’ve read six books on sleep. I’ve talked to friends with young children. I’ve talked to friends with grown children. I’ve wondered if this is all a spiritual issue. I’ve wondered if this is all my fault. I’ve begged the Lord and cried out to Him in desperation for a bit of sleep.
And He answered. Not in my ideal timing, but He has answered, and for that I am grateful.
I’ve learned a lot through this process. If you haven’t read the viral post about infant sleep, you should definitely read it here. Essentially it summarizes in a satirical way that every single expert and every single parent will say something different—and completely contradictory—regarding how we should have our children sleep. My conclusion, then, is that we likely have no clue!!
Each parent and each child and each family unit is different. So we’ve had to wage through trials of different methods to find what suits us as a family and to teach Jack that sleep is good and necessary and that he is capable of doing it!
Ultimately we let Jack cry while still reassuring him. I never wanted to do it this way, but we tried everything else, and to be completely frank, I was at the end of my rope, without patience at night time or at day time. But I had fears. I was afraid of giving up my time with him at night since I feel I’m gone so much during the day. I was afraid of the damage that might be caused by his elevated cortisol levels while crying, a common warning among the no-cry groups today. But then I read more: those elevated cortisol levels have not actually been proven to cause damage. A sleep deprived mother, however, is proven to develop signs of depression. And a depressed mother is proven to negatively impact her child’s growth. Also, unconsolidated sleep may cause learning and concentration issues in children—it certainly does in adults, and I have definitely personally experienced that struggle for higher-level cognitive functioning while sleep deprived at work.
So that was it. A few weeks ago we started Ferber, and a few days into it, Jack was sleeping much better. And so were we.
We're still far from our goals. Jack pretty much refuses all naps unless physically on a person, which is no longer a viable option. He still wakes at night. Most of the time he goes back to sleep quickly at night, but sometimes he's awake for hours. In general, though, things have improved.
The Lord has taught me several things through this experience. Actually, He’s still teaching me because I don’t think all the lessons have sunk in deeply enough yet.
I often felt like God didn’t care about what was happening, as if He had either abandoned me or heard my prayers but simply didn’t feel like answering them. My natural conclusion is that I must be doing something wrong, not pleasing Him quite right, in order for Him to ignore my pleas. These are obviously lies from the enemy, but I felt them--feel them--so deeply.
The problem is that I like to know the answer to, “Why?” Well, it’s not always my place to ask that question, and I don’t always get to know that answer. But it’s hard for me to trust when I don’t know that answer. So I’m learning to believe and trust that the Lord does not abandon, He does not punish harshly, He does not go through periods of not caring. Just because I am feeling blind doesn’t mean that He doesn’t see and intend to fulfill a good and loving plan.
“We have no idea how busy God’s hands are even when His mouth seems closed. Where God is concerned, silence never equals slumber.” Beth Moore, The Beloved Disciple
I’m also learning the pain of teaching my child what is right even when he doesn’t understand why and feels pained by it. Seems oddly familiar to my pain when God tells me no to my request for sleep even though I don’t understand why I can’t have just a couple more hours of uninterrupted sleep. Discipline is necessary, for both Jack and for me.
"The point of our crises and calamities is not to frighten us or beat us into submission, but to encourage us to change, to allow us to heal and grow." Kathleen Norris from Kay Bruner's As Soon As I Fell
I’ve also grown into aching more for the Lord. Waking multiple times a night, being busy all day, rushing home to feed Jack and put him to sleep, then falling asleep at the same time as him left me absolutely no time for me, for God, for Tim. I need rest. Not just sleep, but a good deep rest with the Lord. To have that time of rest with the Lord, I needed Jack to sleep so I could have even just one hour in the evening to read, to talk to Tim, to catch up on life things, to relax. And if our time in Nepal is to be fruitful, this time of rest with God is absolutely essential, so I’m also trying to regularly take a Sabbath. Sure, it’s a different day every week because that’s the life of a doctor, but I don’t think God cares what day of the week it is but, rather, that we attempt to give Him time and space. My yearning for this time with God has intensified during this spell of having no space for Him.
We still need prayer for our sleep and sanity as we continue to figure out how to have Jack take naps and consistently sleep well at night. But for the many of you who have already prayed: thank you. The Lord has heard. May He continue to hear so we have more moments like this!
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